Yet Another Honor Killing

Yet another honor killing. My morning was ruined when I saw the news on front page – a lady was killed by her parents because she married a guy from another caste. We had a heated discussion at home, a rare scenario where everyone contributed to it.

Here’s my take on this incident –
No parent would want to “kill” their kids after bringing them up, with all they have. I would also not think that a normal family with working father and stay-at-home-mom who raised their family would adopt such radical thoughts and actions. So, the family must have had a hint of crime in their legacy, coupled with really ill-meaning relatives. And the parents are at fault for not being “parents” enough – birthing is easy, bringing up is not.

They did not trust their daughter enough to make good decisions in life, and got swayed away by the people who lead them to such atrocities.

No, I will not blame parents for this. Any parent is a human first, with all their weaknesses and prejudices, and then a parent. So, things don’t change all of a sudden when kids are born. In fact, they never change. I knew families where the kids went their way and the parents never accepted them. It’s just too hard to change the perceptions, even though you and your loved one are at risk.

I would have loved if the parents have tried to trust their upbringing more than the relatives, tested the guy with all their will and accept him whole heartedly. But, instead they filled their heart with hatred that their heart did not cry when they killed a part of it.

Back to the girl’s side of the story. She loved this guy for 3 years now.

The problem with girls is they want EVERYTHING – the boy friend from intercaste marriage, his parents happy with her, and her parents double happy with her decisions.

Now, when you are wise enough to choose a life partner, why are you not practical to understand that this is one of the toughest choices in life a lady has to make – the guy or parents. Sure, try and convince parents with all your might. If feasible, go with them and try to forget him. But, if you are adamant enough that he is the one for you, can you please safeguard your life from potential dangers? Why be half-bold? Give all in, get married and don’t be in touch for a while until things cool down. She could have done all sorts of things, except informing them that she did get married against her wishes. The nicest of parents would take 6 months to 1 year to get to terms with their daughter’s decision. So, while you adjust at the life you wanted, why can’t you give time for your parents to reconcile and adjust?

All said and done, parents are to be partly blamed as they did not trust their upbringing enough. But, I would blame the girl more than anything else – If you are bold enough to make choices in life, be practical and anticipate the things that can happen. Protect yourself against them. Where is the life of dreams if you are dead ? And guess who gets my sympathies – the guy. I wonder he would ever be able to forgive himself for supporting the girl and marrying her regardless.

As someone who did go through the phase of convincing my parents for my better future, I strongly believe that a girl should be bold and practical enough, if going in the path of her dreams, rather than the arranged marriage route.

Have a great day and keep rocking!!

Advertisements

Bad habits or illusionary freedom?

freedom

I’ve read an interesting piece on medium on why you should never date a girl who travels. Super liked the post, and then googled around to find some more interesting stories around “why you should date a girl who does <reading/travelling/etc/etc>.  While it’s true that a person who travels without a fixed job and  by trusting their abilities to bring in their next meal is someone whom a boring desk-job person can’t keep. But, today I want to write about the illusionary freedom which people carry in their minds and ruin their life.

My recently joined colleague stays with her to-be sister in law. When we go out for walks after lunch, she recounts stories of her TBSIL( to-be sister in law) travelling alone to various parts of the country and how she has decided not to get married and how she never interacts with her fellow flatmates in her apartment.  Oh, did I mention that she drives a Hero Honda as well?  So far, so good until you come to know she works 14 hours a day, glued to her laptop working on the “urgent”  issue in her product development company. Sigh!

It’s either this OR that. You are only fooling yourself to be independent if you hold a desk-job, and travel/etc/etc to fill the social void your job has left in your life.  If at al like the “medium” girl, you should be hating the job, isn’t it?  While I sincerely appreciate the “medium” types for living the life they want – the TBSIL types are tied by their own baggages.  My colleague tells me how she wants to lose weight, and survives on salads and fruits and cannot come back from office until 10 PM – so honey, no time for Gym. And then, her schedule follows couple of hours more at her laptop.

Freedom is not roaming alone in deserted backpacks at any area of the country

Freedom is not opening your heart for others to enter

Freedom is NOT riding a motorcycle

What freedom is?

Freedom is allowing alternate opinions to flow in, and be able to guage for your best

Freedom is the ability to make decisions in life, and change habits

Freedom is to enjoy the privilege life has given you ( family, friends, health) and not treat them as unwanted extras in life.

I firmly believe the TBSIL is running away from her desk job, finding solace in unknown places and coming back to get more chained.  If you believe you are truly FREE and want to live the “medium” life –  you should start looking within to see if you are perpetually running away from something in life.

When I was 20+,  I had a similar mindset and was obsessed with living a “free” life. With couple of mistakes in my kitty, now I can confidently say that freedom is what your mindset is. As Bob Marley rightly puts it –

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!

Have a good day and keep rocking!!

Happy Women’s Day : 5 Things Every Women Should Realize

womens day

I am not a big fan of celebrating Women’s Day. To me, the only reason to celebrate “days” to tell people the importance of something in our lives. When you don’t exist without a women, do we need to yell and tell about the significance of women in our lives? NOPE. It also signifies, as few friends joked with me today that we give a “day” and the rest 364 are essentially “MEN’s” days.

When I don’t go gaga over the So called “Special” Day,  due to the hype surrounding it, I was thinking about women in my leisure time yesterday.  When I took my daughter to school for her “Show & Tell” event in the morning, followed by a startup event at Lounge47, and finally during my interactions with fellow moms at the park, few things struck me out of no where. These are somethings I’ve always advocated fellow women do, which I sadly do not see women doing enough. In no particular order,  these are 5 things women need to realize –

a) Think Far, but Stay in the Present :  Ladies, come on.  Even before we get married ,we dream of how to manage things once kids are in our lives. Once kids are there, we wonder how to get them married, and protect them against this dangerous and evil world, while teaching them moral values. Life is big juggle and it’s better to deal with situations as and when they arise. It’s wired in female brain to have “web thinking”, but sometime we overdo it.  By forcing ourselves to place priority on the current, compared to the unknown future will help definitely make the future somewhat better.

b) It’s normal to doubt oneself on capabilities :  I’m deeply guilty of this one, all the time. With so many things to manage – job, kid and TheTechPanda, I often find myself shortchanging one of the aspects of my lives – it’s just not possible without burning myself out. Even when I put in 24 hours of time into one of these things, they leave me even dissatisfied about the things I could have done better. I should have spent time interviewing more people, I should write more often says the TTP voice.  Come home and follow latest telecom trends and contribute in side projects which will help me advance my career says the JOB Voice. Chuck all, teach Saanvi rhymes, feed her nutritious food and cherish the fast wading moments says my MOM Voice. On top of all this, my own expectations of myself are so high that I ALWAYS fall short. Did I catch my favorite movie this weekend?  Can I go and jog a bit in solitude?  Did I write my personal blog? That moment, my inner voice tells me – “You are not just capable of managing so many things. Just QUIT one or few until your life becomes SANE”.  Perfect.  While this happens to me all the time – I just realized that it’s how women are. With my countless conversations of women – they always have this thought no matter what they do – house wife, working women, entrepreneur or a politician. Don’t trust me – next time read what these women say during the Interviews and biographies.  So, it’s perfect to doubt oneself.  That just shows good intentions to be the perfectionist in every part of life.  As long as one of the areas is not severely short changed, just keep going.

c)  Are the compromises worth it? –  This is one thing I feel deeply about. We all make compromises in life – mostly after getting married. Although I would vouch for getting lucky in this life with an ever supportive husband and in-laws, lot of women have made some major compromises in life. While I do not advocate breaking up for an intolerable mother in law, but know your limits.  While nagging and a bit-of-irresponsible spouse is okay, there are some traits that are just not acceptable. Know the compromises you are making in life, and consciously make them.  With big decisions in life, the stakes are higher.

d) To be financially Independent –  This is a MUST.  No matter what you do – get financially independent. It’s not matter of getting to buy the dresses or cosmetics you want – something deep down changes when you know you have the capability to lead life independently. While lot of young women these days start working soon after college – they work because they studied so hard to get the job.  Know the reason for your job, and preserve the confidence that comes by being a working women.

e) Put yourself first on priority list, NOT Last  –  A happy mom is the best mom. A happy lady is the best spouse. A satisfied women is the best daughter in law. Get it?  It’s no exaggeration that, as women we should be our first priority while we blissfully place ourselves last in the pretend of “looking out” for family. I have learnt this lesson very early in life – when I blamed everyone to not be able to pursue what I wanted. “Who’s stopping you – but yourself? “, asked my wise husband.  Now, I make a point to keep myself as one of the important stakeholders in my life along with my people, and other stuff in life.  Within 15 mins of waking up – eat something. READ that favorite book.  Do things that matter to yo u.  As long as you don’t violate the basic family rules, I wouldn’t think anyone would advocate you to give up on everything you life. In fact, the opposite always holds true. I’ve seen lot of families where the husbands encourage their wife to take up something, but the only time they do it when their kid start full time and they need something to fill void.

Take time out, and do things you deeply care about. It would make you a better and happy person. This will percolate into all your relationships and everyone will get used to it, eventually a bit later.

There’s one more thing I’d like to add from my recent read ‘The Power of Habit’ –

It’s all About Habits.  If there’s something you’d like to do in life but can’t – find the habits that are stopping it. And CHANGE them. Life is all about being a better person you can in all walks of life.

Happy Women’s Day!

Have a good day and keep rocking!!